McSWEENEY’S INTERNET TENDENCY’S PATREON
As little as $1 month (only $12 a year!) is all it takes to support our writers and to keep our site ad-free. Become a patron today.
May 10, 2019
Contrary to popular belief, Motherhood does not automatically occur when one dog-sits for a week.
In the Animal Kingdom, mothers are not rewarded with an official holiday, but rather with their young leaving their care by age two.
Mothers’ Day was first established in 1908, immediately after the invention of the mother, before which no one had ever shopped with a coupon.
Motherhood is achieved upon the first purchase of a denim skirt with snaps, or alternatively, when two bodily fluids leak simultaneously without alcohol having been involved.
Kegel exercises are a vast conspiracy perpetrated by “Big OB.” Doctors laugh about it at gynecology conventions.
Motherhood is the most rewarding experience a woman can have, which is why they don’t need to be paid as much.
Mother’s Day is observed on the second Sunday in May, while the first Sunday is reserved for prematurely wearing shorts and drinking iced coffee before needing to go home and change into pants because it’s still only 50F, dummy.
The working title for Playboy magazine was Mothers and Potential Mothers Whose Clothes Blew Off in a Hurricane, but the title was instead changed to a word with “boy” in it at the last minute because the editors didn’t want to make it too much about women.
When a woman gets pregnant, the internet sends her pictures of various sizes of fruit to prepare her for being a mom. Sometimes it’s a picture of a banana, which makes sense, since slipping on either banana peels or placenta is often fatal.
The choices a mother makes regarding her children are open to social commentary, even if the commentator’s exposure to children is limited to having seen three-and-a-half episodes of Full House.
The ability to give life is an unexplained miracle, which means women are all witches and you should give them money.
“Mother” is used as a title for many different songs, three of which were written by Roger Waters, Danzig, and John Lennon, who were probably all super shitty children.
Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day an official national holiday, despite the fact that his mother named him after a border hedge.
Protesters stand outside women’s health clinics with graphic signs that claim to depict aborted babies. These are actually pictures of undigested Italian food they stole from the Internet by googling “Garfield’s lunch.”
The British don’t use the term “motherfucker” because it’s considered too profane, despite them taking great joy in fucking their mothers.
A common Spanish slur is puta madre, which can mean either “holy shit” or “motherfucker.” The Spanish are very versatile people. They don’t fuck their moms, though, like the British.
A common crass American joke is to claim having had sexual relations with the target’s mother. But, joke’s on you, because now you’re our stepdad and you have to buy us stuff while we make fun of your Mazda. Who’s laughing now, Craig?
The old lady who lived in a shoe was actually only twenty-seven.
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today.