The end of ‘Dolittle’ is breaking everyone’s brain

Image: universal pictures

By Adam Rosenberg

If Dolittle is on your must-watch list, you should know there are spoilers ahead. (And also that I’m sorry.) This is your only chance to turn back.

I hope you’re still here, because this is some weird and wild stuff. Dolittle, in case you hadn’t heard, is Robert Downey Jr.’s first big post-Marvel movie. It’s a reboot of the Dr. Dolittle series, in which a renowned doctor and veterinarian has adventures. Also, an important point to add: He can talk to animals.

Downey’s turn as the leveled-up animal whisperer sends him off to a mythical island as he hunts down a cure that will save the ailing queen. The story eventually brings him face to face with a dragon, with a climactic showdown that’s immediately followed by… hastily executed rectal surgery?

Yup. I (pun definitely intended) shit you not.

After the big human vs. dragon showdown, the good doctor quickly surmises that our dragon friend isn’t really a mean lizard of myth. It’s just got some serious discomfort from the various things caught deep inside its butt, including an entire set of bagpipes.

I’m not making this up. Sure, it’s possible that all the people talking about this on social media are suffering from some kind of shared mass delusion. But the truth of the matter is simpler than that: Dolittle is a real movie where Robert Downey Jr. plucks a set of bagpipes out of a dragon’s butt. 

Tuck that one away for a future trivia night. And in the meantime, please enjoy the hilarious reactions of addled Twitter users who just got out of seeing Dolittle. I weep for all of these poor, lost souls.

This is a spoiler, but I need to share what I just witnessed because I feel like I’m going insane.

The climax of Dolittle is LITERALLY him pulling bagpipes out of a dragon’s clogged asshole, after which a polar bear voiced by John Cena exclaims “teamwork makes dreams work!”

— Ryan George (@theryangeorge) January 17, 2020

DOLITTLE SPOILERS
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There is an actual scene where they encounter a dragon and have to perform emergency surgery by going up its ass and removing bagpipes. That is all.

— April Dawn (@April13Dawn) January 17, 2020

I had been warned over and over again before I went to see Dolittle, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the visceral experience of having to watch Robert Downey Jr. pull a set of bagpipes out of a dragon’s ass

— Austin Olivia Kendrick (@aussie_olivia) January 19, 2020

Dolittle, a movie with a budget of $175 million, has a scene in which Robert Downey Jr. removes a bagpipe from a dragon’s asshole, who then rips ass in his face.

Y’all could’ve like… donated that to charity or something. Literally anything else.

— clay λ (@_claypot) January 17, 2020

Imagine walking out of that movie after seeing the dragon rectal surgery and thinking to yourself, “Hm, they honestly could’ve gone harder.” This person is a hero. Probably the one we deserve rather than the one we need, but still.

Uuugh. I expected worse. I saw Dolittle and got just mediocrity. Booooring!
I mean, the dragon colonoscopy was something but not enough.

— Umbreon-wall (@firingwall) January 19, 2020

If the premise of the bagpipes scene was to create a social media spectacle that would translate into more tickets sold… it doesn’t seem to be working.

I’m not saying I’m going to see dolittle, but, i would like to see this fabled “pulling a bagpipe out of a dragon’s ass” scene, and if anyone could provide me with a video or animated gif of this scene, as soon as possible, you have my permission to mention or dm me directly

— Hunh? A keyhole here? It says, ‘Tail Keyhole’ (@EnterTheDragn) January 18, 2020

Or maybe it is?

Critics are warning moviegoers not to see Dolittle because there‘s a scene where Robert Downey Jr. pulls bagpipes out of a constipated dragon’s butthole. That’s the only reason I’m going.

— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) January 18, 2020

Even people who haven’t seen Dolittle are breaking out into hysterics as they learn what the movie has in store for anyone who trades away two hours of their life.

Spoilers for Doctor Dolittle

I haven’t seen it, but apparently, that movie ends with Robert Downy Jr. sticking his hand up a dragons *Ahem*. And uh…

What is this Timeline we’re in? This isn’t even the weirdest thing to happen this week but just…P A R D O N? pic.twitter.com/Ee2OAxXke8

— 🦇Caudle🦇 (@Caudlewag) January 15, 2020

I just read that there is a scene in Dolittle where the good Doctor puts his arm up the butt of a dragon and pulls out bones that was blocking him & he release a fart in RDJs face…. is it too soon to say best movie of the year without ever seeing it?🤷🏻‍♂️

— Haunters Podcast (@HauntersPOD) January 18, 2020

Here’s one, last visual to ponder as this lineup of deranged reactions undoubtedly sends you wheeling off to re-watch the trailer.

***SPOILERS FOR DOLITTLE***

You know the part in the trailer where it looks like there’s a bunch of wind blowing in his face? That’s a dragon fart.

— Henry Feil (@henry_feil98) January 19, 2020

In conclusion, Cats is an excellent movie that you should all go see.

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